a girl like you...

I've never known a girl like you before

I really haven't ever met someone like her before. Until that point I guess that side of things were either in my own head, or polluted with the perspective of an abusive man. The hardest aspect to all of this is trying to unpick and select elements within myself which are genuinely my own desires... and which of those desires were more his, which I adopted and made my own. But when I met her... and other like-minded people at the same time, my world exploded. The after-shock may still have the power to shatter and to shock. Each time I gather my thoughts, my emotions and then she...

Now just like in a song from days of yore
Here you come a knockin', knockin' at my door
And I've never met a girl like you before

She can walk into the room, the building and whatever I believe I have neatly tucked away is thrown out onto the floor... it's as if someone has come along and upturned my underwear drawer and there are nightclothes, panties, socks, bras and many other miscellaneous items scattered about. After a time I would think to gather them all up, to re-organise and restate some kind of order into the chaos. But initially I am shocked, bewildered and a little embarrassed to be staring at my undies on display against my wishes. So that is what she does to me...

You give me just a taste so I want more and more

It's hard to discern between world-views and perspectives; I know that to hurt others is wrong – but to agree with others and deny oneself is surely a perverse form of self-abuse. I always seem to be 2 contrasting characters which I fail to combine... when she's away from me – as she has been – I can fall into one pattern, it still makes sense, it is not solace, it is the other me... both are true. But she went away... she closed the doors because I fell prey to doubt fostered by a phone call, because I was unnerved and perhaps scared, I left before I could be sent away. And I know she was attacking to defend... and even in her absence I loved her still... she was stronger than me for living as she believed... there are the words of others crowding my head that I cannot bear... I take the safe option... I do it for the child... but the taunts are chilling... but she showed me a possibility...

Now my hands are bleeding and my knees are raw
Now you've got me crawlin', crawlin' on the floor
And I've never met a girl like you before

But she walked in... she just walked in... and I came undone. And I saw another one with him, being what I could never be... but it didn't stop the oceans. I wanted to be swallowed up, so I drowned what I felt in vodka and ice. But spirits and ice will do little for a woman who is seriously wounded. And I punish myself all the more for in the cold light of day she is gone … he is gone … and I bleed from wounds I am told I am not to have, or not to acknowledge at least. But I bleed and you cannot deny me that... I could beat down Church doors and ask for it to stop, but be told simply my pain ought not to exist...

You've made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I'm talkin' metaphorically
Hope that I'm talkin' allegorically
Know that I'm talkin' about the way I feel
And I've never known a girl like you before

But it does exist. But do not worry, I will heal. And as I do the exquisite pain she unwittingly offers up to me will ease. I will forget... and I will crave her, and him, and that which ought not exist...

Never, never, never, never
Never known a girl like you before
This old town's changed so much
Don't feel like I belong

Maybe I should accept this latest turn in events. Use it to close the book on this me, start another or simplify? Perhaps I don't belong in their world any longer; they have formed the circle without me... we are separate.

Too many protest singers
Not enough protest songs

It's too soon to say what this really is, whether I will fight or gracefully slip away. Perhaps soon I will see it for the closure it really is... and embrace other possibilities... and be happy that she was in my life, I in hers and he in mine...

And now you've come along
Yes you've come along
And I've never met a girl like you before

Maybe soon. But not right now. Right now I mourn.

( a nod to Edwyn Collins and the song "Never Known a girl like you before")