A dark joust...

For the first time in some years I find I have no need for sex or intimacy.  I desire it, but I do not need it.  And, in my darker moments I find that I shy away from it.  I fear making myself vulnerable, yet I crave the situation, the person or persons to allow me to let down these defences.  I am wound too tightly, I want to feel it all fall away.  I want someone in charge, but someone to adore me enough to give me what I want and desire.  I worry that those who would take charge do so to abuse and to destroy.  Maybe the affectionate dominator is a myth that I've constructed in my own mind, the seed planted as my mind in desperation tried to wander far away from him.  He was the realisation of teenage wet dreams, but he shattered all of them.

Inside I feel pent up.  This new one is different.  A brother perhaps - he seems to not want to touch me, I don't desire him.  I love him, but I want passion as well as love.  I want to be cared for, craved and caressed.  I want to delay the event to perpetuate and build desire - I don't want to feel as if we could carry on forever without it, as if it is not necessary.

If I said I was scared of it, would anyone believe me?  I loved it once.  Felt joy in that physical expression and decadent release.  Then it went dark.  Others have come close but the darkness continues.  I need a spark, sparks to begin a fire and set me alight.  The crushing desire to be adored, to adore.  To see beauty in it again, to let nature and flesh consume.

For a time I was adored - I thought.  But it was all a lie and I was a love sick punching bag.  He offered me what I wanted, but took more than he gave.  I still want some of the same things - but I'm terrified I'll receive the same.  But it's been too long... the fear, the anxiety rises.  Nevermind Prince Charming, I need the black knight, or the dark temptress, and their wicked ways.