A dark joust...

For the first time in some years I find I have no need for sex or intimacy.  I desire it, but I do not need it.  And, in my darker moments I find that I shy away from it.  I fear making myself vulnerable, yet I crave the situation, the person or persons to allow me to let down these defences.  I am wound too tightly, I want to feel it all fall away.  I want someone in charge, but someone to adore me enough to give me what I want and desire.  I worry that those who would take charge do so to abuse and to destroy.  Maybe the affectionate dominator is a myth that I've constructed in my own mind, the seed planted as my mind in desperation tried to wander far away from him.  He was the realisation of teenage wet dreams, but he shattered all of them.

Inside I feel pent up.  This new one is different.  A brother perhaps - he seems to not want to touch me, I don't desire him.  I love him, but I want passion as well as love.  I want to be cared for, craved and caressed.  I want to delay the event to perpetuate and build desire - I don't want to feel as if we could carry on forever without it, as if it is not necessary.

If I said I was scared of it, would anyone believe me?  I loved it once.  Felt joy in that physical expression and decadent release.  Then it went dark.  Others have come close but the darkness continues.  I need a spark, sparks to begin a fire and set me alight.  The crushing desire to be adored, to adore.  To see beauty in it again, to let nature and flesh consume.

For a time I was adored - I thought.  But it was all a lie and I was a love sick punching bag.  He offered me what I wanted, but took more than he gave.  I still want some of the same things - but I'm terrified I'll receive the same.  But it's been too long... the fear, the anxiety rises.  Nevermind Prince Charming, I need the black knight, or the dark temptress, and their wicked ways.

Hives of Reality

unsexy?

So after a fun day out with Mother & the babe I seemed to be hit hard... for some unknown reason my body is coming out in hives. Not pretty or fun... feeling swollen, uncomfortable and rather generally unsexy. Couple of 'emotional spanners' also, hurtful messages and revelations are not helping with trying to be calm and recover my body's equilibrium.

Rather odd, I'm not unused to fear, anxiety and all that family... but (as Mother pointed out) I'm doing life sober... at this point (with puffy hands) I'm not sure I like it! But, on a serious note, I feel so much better for seeing things clearly, and not through the fog of whatever... you can see people and life for what it really is...

Though realisation of reality brings with it its own complications: the world seems harsh, raw and sharp... there is no cushioning. It's a rather new experience for me... I like the truth... but I also like to believe that everyone is kind, loving and understanding... people can believe different things, live different lives but still come together under the banner of humanity. People who set out to intentionally hurt, or mislead are not counted amongst my favourite people... but sometimes I can accept they may have their reasons/causes, but I don't have to accept their treatment of me. (thanks to the Freedom Programme).

Sometimes life dashes my hopes of this.

Is there method in this madness really?

“Why do you let us walk upon a cliff so steep // When deep below the sea there lies a bed of gold? // And if this should be our battle place // Don't let me fall”

But I can hope... hope in the kindness of strangers... and the incredible possibilities of life... I expect to be surprised. Humanity can be tremendously cruel, so I have to believe in the other side of things as well.

There is much left open in my life, I feel it needs a decision... but I can't make one just yet... I'm content in the unknown right now...

I'll just keep swimming ;-)